Sometimes….sometimes I really wish I could go back. Like tonight, for example. I want to go back to 2007, right after I graduated high school and met him. Him is my husband, Patrick. I feel like everything was so much simpler before we got married. So much happier. Well, he says he’s happy. That makes one of us. Honestly, I don’t know if I am. I mean, I am sometimes. But not tonight. Tonight I am sitting in my kitchen on the floor since our house is so small (stupid England) and it’s the only place no one can hear me, while he is asleep upstairs. Why am I down here? Because I am having a moment of self pity and it’s too late to go on a run to clear my head so I am using Tumblr, which I seldom use because my best friend Rachel will read it and yell at me for being sad and not telling her. My head is in jumbles. I can’t even think. All I can think about his how tired I am, how angry I am at Patrick for not realizing that marriage is a two way street, and how I wish I could go back to 2007. When Patrick and I first met, I was smitten. He was the perfect guy, my dream guy, who whisked me away on his white horse away from Arik and all his bull shit. We were best friends, and as the movie Valentine’s Day clearly shows, marrying your best friend is the greatest choice you can make in life. Well, I married my best friend, so I why am I so sad? Why am I sitting here crying on my kitchen floor at 10:30 at night? Because I am the only one opening my eyes and realizing that my marriage may be falling apart in front of my very eyes. My tears may be a combination of me having bronchitis, my period, and just being sad in general, but still…He is so in-denial too. We fight constantly and it’s like he has completely given up on our sex life. Not to mention given up on fighting for me. For example, when we first moved in together, if we fought he would not leave me alone until I was happy. He would constantly bug me and pester me until I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him, and went to sleep in his arms. Now…we fought and he rolled over and snored himself to sleep. And I don’t know why that’s bothering me, or why that sentence just made me start crying like an idiot, but it’s not the Patrick I married. I fought for 4 years for him against that BITCH Allison, and he fought for me against Arik and we were FINALLY together and now what? He got me so that’s it? No more Prince Charming? No more lust or romance? For God’s sake, our best friends Corey & Caitlin are younger than us and married before us and it’s like they have never left their honey moon! It’s SICKENING, but I WANT IT. I’m not trying to compare to them, but I want love. I want that passion. I want it with Patrick, but all he wants is someone to pick up after him and make him food. I know he loves me, I know he does, but what kind of love is it now? Sisterly? MOTHERLY? I am NOT his mother. But, I can’t help think it’s me. I know I can be nagging and annoying, but I NEED help. I need someone to help around the house. I’m working full time too. I’m working just as much, if not more, than Patrick AND I still want to go to school. I try to talk about our future too, like kids and a house and it’s like he doesn’t give a shit. I NEED that comfort of knowing that I’m spending the rest of my life with someone who wants to spend it with me. Who wants a family, a house, a fucking lawn flamingo! ANYTHING THAT SAYS OUR FUTURE! I am just being a whiny little bitch who wants the perfect life I guess. I am so grateful for everything he does for our country and for me and for this opportunity to be in England, but we NEED a seperate life from the military! I’m sorry, but I can’t hear another excuse for our fights be about because we “chose a different life from everyone else” and “our first year of marriage is harder because of the military.” IT”S HARDER BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT MAKING IT TRY TO WORK! ALL I ever hear about is work, how he hates it, how it sucks, how this person sucks, how he has to do this. No matter WHAT, it’s about work. I am right in front of him, NAKED, and it goes back to work. I just give up. I want my Patrick back. I want my husband, I want the guy I used to go visit at the hotel and make out passionately in the back room with. The one I’d sneak sodas too during his work hours and we’d secretly smile at each other when no one knew we liked each other. I miss the guy who I’d play Rock Band and Resident Evil 5 with and have so much fun. The one who who would watch me play BioShock and tell me I don’t suck, when I know I do.That guy who would let me sneak into his house late at night and would make love and talk about our futures together, even before we started dating. The guy I never thought was good enough for me, but thanked God every day that you chose me. I want my best friend back. I want my Patrick back.
"I was just myself. I didn't know any other way to be, or any other way to live." -Bettie Page
